I’m laying on the cold hard ground inside of a rusty dark closet. I am trying to calm my breathing, and I am trying to stop the tears that won’t stop flowing. I am almost to the point of passing out, and I feel vomit creeping up my throat. I feel my insides filling up with fluid, and I feel the shadow of shame creep over my thoughts. I begin my usual routine when this happens. I rapidly type an apology note on my iPhone, begging for love and forgiveness. I creep out of the closet only to find him smugly sitting on the couch watching a show. Scared to look him in the eye, I hand him my phone and beg him to read the note. He puts the phone down and smiling says “I can’t deal with you when you cry like this; it’s an embarrassment, so you need to go back into the closet.” I feel light headed and think back to how when I met him, he would hold me close and whisper sweet lullabies in my ear until I felt better. I wouldn’t even admit to myself, that he was the one who caused the panic attack I was having.
Why Me?! The Most Common Questions Most Survivors Ask Themselves
The most common questions that most survivors start asking themselves after getting out of a narcissistic relationship are:
How could I have been so blind?
Why didn’t I listen to all the warning signs?
How could I have put up with being treated so horribly and not even realize?
How could he be telling all these people these horrible things about me?
How could I have stayed with them long enough to have children and to get our children wrapped up in this mess?
Why me?!
Listen to Your Unconscious Mind
I recently had a good friend of mine recommend the book, Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell. I haven’t even finished it, yet I HAVE to post my insights on the book from the point of view of a survivor of narcissistic abuse. What parts of our minds truly knew what was happening to us while we were in these toxic relationships? Did my mind ever unconsciously sense that this relationship was going to be a bad one the first time we met our abusers? Can our unconscious sense the evil within the sweet, loving facade of narcissists even when our conscious mind could not? If so, at what point did our conscious mind finally pick up on what our unconscious mind could always see?
How Do I Know if My Significant Other is a Narcissist?
Narcissists are so good at what they do that most victims have no idea what kind of person they really are dating. It took me months to realize this even when I had friends and family telling me that they didn’t like my boyfriend, Alex, and didn’t support our relationship. Even after all of these statements were made, I still defended him and made excuses for him, especially saying things like “you don’t understand him as I do” or “you just have to give him a chance, he just comes off a little rough at first” or “he’s going through something right now, so he’s not himself”.
Even if there is some truth to those statements, this is another way we are trying to convince ourselves that everyone else is wrong and that you are in no danger. Unfortunately, that may not be the case.